


There's Nothing Left For Me

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Drabble, M/M, Memories, hinted suicide, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-10
Updated: 2014-02-10
Packaged: 2018-01-11 19:41:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1177113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I won't miss this world, but I'll always continue to miss you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's Nothing Left For Me

**Author's Note:**

> It's really shitty but I felt the need to write something like this. It was meant to be more of a story than thoughts, but oh well. It shouldn't be too sad or anything, just kind of depressing

I've always known that I would die alone; tired; lost. I've ignored all of the signs, but I've still known. All of my friends have met such tragic ends, and I miss them. There's nobody left for me to care for. There's nobody left that cares for me. To those living inside the wall I am nothing more than an idol; their god. They see me as a machine that doesn't have feelings or needs; I'm a thing that they throw into a living hell while they stay put like cattle. They just want to live.

There will be riots once I'm gone. It will be seen as the greatest loss yet. They'll all scream and cry, "How will we survive without Humanity's Greatest?". The Legion and the Garrison will have no control of the people. They won't be able to protect themselves. Humanity will try their best to save the walls, but they will all fail in their panic. They won't listen. They never listen.

First Rose will fall. There will be mass death; the air will stink of blood and fear. They'll relive the horror of Shingashina. Many will die; others will flee to their last hope; Sina. With Maria and Rose gone, there won't nearly be enough land or food to sustain the remaining population. People will starve. People will freeze. The predators living between the stone of the Wall may finally move and attack while the Shifters take over. Humanity will fall. We'll be wiped out, just like we were meant to.

I don't care anymore.

It may have been true that in the past I hated meaningless deaths. I wanted everyone to have made an effort in our survival before they left us behind. I thought that the world beyond the walls would be worth all of the pain and trouble. I saw something that you can never find inside these walls. I saw freedom. There will never be freedom for us, though. We can't win. We've lost so much; killed so many. Hundreds, even thousands, have thrown their life away for something that they will never achieve.

That was the fault he held. He aimed too high for this freedom. He wasn't strong in mind or body, but he had passion like no other. He strived the hardest to save us. He was here for only one purpose; to kill them all. It's too late for him, though. His goal will never be completed.

I couldn't stop them. I couldn't change their minds. No matter how I tried to prove that he was innocent, that he was worthy of living, they wouldn't take it. They all just said he was another one of them. Another monster that need be slay. He wasn't what they accused, though. He didn't thirst for blood or manslaughter. He never wished death or unhappiness upon others. He wanted nothing more than for us to live. To truly live. To escape from the cages we call walls.

I was the one ordered to do it. I objected, of course, but they had the final rule. They assigned me to him in the beginning of this all, so they only saw fit for me to be the one to rid the world of his horrible inhuman presence. I remember watching his eyes well up with tears, holding the sight of true fear and betrayal. Kept in his prison cell and not even fed well, he was miserable. I noticed it in his speech pattern, in his movement. Just the energy he gave off was grim.

He never once spoke to me until that day. He didn't even look at me until I brought him beyond the wall and into the large forest that I had trusted him with our lives in. I remember the exact tree that we stood in front of. It was tall, magnificent, and full of life. Still, there was no ignoring the dark history that it had. The blood and corpses that surrounded it, those belonging to my friends; my family, gave it a tragic kind of beauty.

I remember telling him not to cry. I remember telling him that it was going to be alright. He begged me to get it over with. He knew that there were no exceptions. He knew he had to die. If he had left, he wouldn't have wanted to live without me by his side, without his closest friends. The ones that were left. It hurt me to see him in such agony, such distress. He had given up; on me, on humanity, on living.

In his final moments, after several long days of silence between us, he finally treated me as if I were more to him than just his Corporal. He let out those three words that I longed so strongly to hear. I returned them. I cried to him, apologizing over and over, while he fell apart in front of me. All of his weeping was for me, and that knowledge was enough to break me as he became quiet; as his voice became soundless. His skin was so cold. He expression was bare. I watched as they took the light behind his eyes.

I held him in my arms, blood pooling around us. I can still feel his frozen skin and see his empty eyes. I can hear the silence that filled the forest. I held his head in my lap, running my fingers through his brown hair. I whispered out a song, almost as if I were singing him to sleep. It was a sad tune that my mother used to sing, but everything, including my soft voice, stopped once he was gone.

I can remember every moment that we spent together, both good and bad. I remember the times that he was angry with me, when he didn't want to speak to me or didn't trust me. He was his weakest at these times. He was furious when he fought, which some might have thought was good, but it flawed his defense and he lost more than he gained.

I remember the times that he wouldn't leave my side, always idolizing me and following my orders. There was no changing his mind about me when he was like this. You could never stop him from supporting me. He would always fight for me.

I remember all of his affectionate moments; every time that he wanted to hug me or snuggle up with me in bed. He would wrap his arms around me, almost making fun of how small I am. I hated feeling lesser than him in those moments, but I couldn't wish for anything else right now.

I remember all of the perfect nights that we spent together. His touches would be so soft and delicate, almost as if he were afraid to hurt me. His movements were far different than mine, which would always be rough and fast. I enjoyed it, truly. He made me feel like I was something that people actually cared for; something that needed protecting.

I remember every single thing about him. I remember how soft his hair always felt after a bath, I remember his habit of biting on his lower lip whenever he was nervous or scared. I remember what foods he hated and what his favorite color was. I remember what each of his moods were and what set him off. I remember how much he loved me. I remember what he wanted more than anything in the world.

I remember, but memories just aren't enough anymore.


End file.
